Play for change

Ten months into sharing the story of llhaesa and Jahrae, Book II is now underway.

Over this time, the two main characters have evolved, not only in story, but in my mind. Both have grown in ways that surprise me – that surprises me even as I fashion any given story element.

With no formal typing training, I often mention how my fingers know what I do not – where the keys on this keyboard are. I might guess the placement of perhaps five of the keys; for the rest, I have no clue. Yet my fingers find the letters when I type, and to my simple mind, this is forever fascinating.

So too do I write with little idea of what is about to follow, starting with something akin to a one sentence theme for a story element. I type, my mind fabricates in real time with the keystrokes, the story takes shape. It is at once a weird and fascinating experience.

The story originated at some unknown point in my past, refined, reformed, and reshaped over many years. As it forms in tangible visible fashion, what results is leagues different from the first seed of story so many years ago. I like to think this llhaesa is a wiser, gentler, more empathetic soul, countless intricate layers of personality deeper, changing and evolving as this happens within me.

You will see continuing elements in the story that are in fact things dear to me in real life: lgbt issues, feminism, ending discrimination of any form. I am an unabashed idealist and an unabashed optimist. Sometimes this element of my personality is a good thing, and at other times, detrimental.

Finding idealism of a feminist or lesbian perspective in our entertainment is rare; entertainment is a product, and in order to sell product, it is framed and packaged to appeal to a larger number of people. Think of films where the girl flirts with dykehood, only to cast it aside and return to her heterosexual roots. All well and good – if the story telling is about people who are curious. For those of us well beyond curiosity, finding popular film that does justice to our community is difficult.

I’m not developing a product, I am writing to soothe and placate my soul, to reach for an inclination to touch an idealist place, one where we succeed in tearing down gender barriers, end racism, and achieve equal rights for gay folk. Maybe others find enjoyment – or perhaps even better, inspiration to create their own works – in what I write, in seeing feminist, lesbian, and spiritual perspectives featured in such a prominent way.

That is not a proclamation of the value of my work, for mediocre story telling can inspire someone with true talent to write. I leave the judging to others. If being a catalyst is my purpose or my lot, than I accept that role, graciously.

I’ve faced and learned many lessons in my own life; I deal with PTSD, and I’ve an overloaded truck full of guilt that I carry along with me… but it is vital that I learn, that I strive for better within. These are things I lost contact with early in this decade, lost to dysfunction. Now I move to reclaim and hold dear the lessons – hopefully this story conveys that quest.

Llhaesa is larger than life, and she will remain so throughout both books. Llhaesa has to be well beyond my or anyone’s reach if she is to truly inspire, to truly be special sufficient to inspire two worlds to change. In truth, her creation and story helps me to connect with things important in life.

There may be issues ahead in the story, where through no fault of her own, questions get asked by llhaesa and other characters which have no clear or obvious answers. I invite anyone interested to ponder these as they are raised, and offer how you would find your way through.

Jahrae is co-star in the story, and her contributions stand as very significant, perhaps more than I originally intended. She is a character who grew on me, and in the process, grew in the story.

From a college student struggling to cope with almost continual embarrassment in the shadow of activist parents, Jahrae grows into a strong and confident woman who takes what llhaesa started, continues to inspire, even after llhaesa is lost. She takes an abstract goal and finishes the task.

Jahrae is unafraid of llhaesa receiving acclaim and recognition, unlike llhaesa, who wishes nothing to do with power. Asserting leadership, she helps her world come to a critical mass point that sets it on toward a better path. Without llhaesa’s message, dreams, and ideals, this would have been an impossible achievement, but Jahrae is the one who takes it to reality.

While music is a significant story element, in reality, I know little about the technical elements of music. Yet music is central to my life, as it has been throughout my life. Without music, I cringe at considering where my life might be, or even if I might still be.

There are times when some part of a song – be it the lyrics, a part of the lyrics, the melody, any individual instrument, will almost speak to me, triggering my mind to drift away, formulating a perceived story. Music is the catalyst that inspired my imagination to form and write this story.

Several years ago, I was in city unmoving traffic, listening to the radio Derek and the Dominoes’ Layla – the original version, was playing. I have likely listened to this song thousands of times since its first release 38 or so years ago, yet on that day, the second part of the song, just piano and guitar, absent vocals, was talking to me in some language I could never adequately commit to words. Inside, a story unfolded emotionally, a story understood only in emotion, not in any other form.

That was a very weird experience, albeit a very precious one. I have found such a connection with a lot of different music subsequently, and you will note a list in the sidebar of some of the musicians who inspire my mind as it fashions this story.

In truth, no one inspires me more than Beth Orton, though recently, Heather Nova is gaining prominence.

I invite anyone reading the length of this story to make use of your own soundtrack to inspire you to story. In my writing, I pictured – could see in my mind’s eye – Ronnie wrestling with Tim’s loss, walking alone in the cold and raw rain. I could see and feel Jahrae coping with PTSD even with llhaesa back, with simple things like waking to find llhaesa out of their bed serving as trigger for recurrence. I can feel the emotion and the pain, feel the dialogue evolve as if I were there, taking part.

So much of this story is by feel, by emotion, by my love of the characters, who after ten months, are quite dear to me.

In the story, reiki comes into play with Tim when he meets Susan Woodward, while llhaesa is an aailhra practitioner. Please consider Aailhra the Arrhazonan equivalent of Reiki. In actuality, I am a level two Reiki practitioner, and with each passing day, I move closer to Reiki as my guide in life.

The fictional llhaesa, as with this writer in reality, strongly prefers not to capitalise her name. It is my – our – choice to write in this manner in all but formal settings, thus the only name not capitalised through this writing will be that of our main protagonist – in honour of her personal preference.

I hope my writing gives a respectful accounting, and I thank all of you who take time to read any part of the story.

I thank all of you who have reached out in friendship over the years, who encourage and encouraged me onward, allow and allowed me to lean on you, to visit with you, to be your friend.

For me, llhaesa is a composite of all of you, inspiring me to strive for better.

If you wish to contact me, please feel free to do so at llhaesa@live.com

on behalf of,

llhaesa ahrella t’yaeli