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worlds undone

worlds undone

Category Archives: Cshrehyi

CCXIII – lament for a fallen father

01 Monday Dec 2008

Posted by nelle in Arrhazon, Barbara Millwood, Brellian, Cshrehyi, Jahrae, llhaesa, Ronnie, Tim

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blog fiction, blog novels, blog stories, blog-books, creative writing, e books, e novels, eBooks, feminism, feminist, feminist fiction, feminist literature, feminist stories, feminist writing, fiction, lesbian, lesbian books, lesbian fiction, lesbian literature, lesbian stories, lesbian writing, lesbian-novels, literature, online books, online novels, original fiction, writing

The first night on the Naval Academy yacht, llhaesa felt the Jahrae connection stronger than ever, leaving her to conclude Jahrae drew ever closer.

There was no crossing of energy this time, just a general sense – whether wishful thinking or otherwise – of a decreasing distance between them.

New elements came into play, one that added another surprise, as well as one that created great sadness for llhaesa. She sensed others accompanied Jahrae, one of which was her mum, Saehressa. Her dad, Mrevan… llhaesa sensed was no longer among the living, and at this, she openly wept.

Unable to hold back the flow of tears once the first tumbled and slid along her cheek, llhaesa let loose with a torrent of sluicing tears. Her body trembled and contorted as she cried, the tears and trembling accompanied by muffled wailing sounds that still managed to roust Ronnie from sleep.

Ronnie hurried to llhaesa’s cabin, but still observed decorum and knocked first – though she did not wait for an answer. Llhaesa was distressed, and Ronnie intended to get to llhaesa to provide comfort and support, no matter the triggering circumstance. Ronnie found llhaesa sitting up in bed, a covering blanket bunched around her waist. Llhaesa remained in the throes of sadness, consumed by a pent up and overflowing reservoir of emotion, perhaps a combination of all that she had endured over 15 years – this was her first honest to goodness cry, and nothing could – or should, in Ronnie’s point of view – stand in llhaesa’s way.

Llhaesa felt Ronnie’s arm gently slip around her back, her hand softly messaging in a circular fashion, while Ronnie added soothing words of comfort and encouragement. After a moment, Ronnie took llhaesa into her arms, started slowly and smoothly swaying back and forth, the repeating rhythm serving to placate the inner energy that otherwise would find its way to drive upward tears.

Ronnie felt positively horrid; she had never seen llhaesa so upset. Her heart poured outward, after all llhaesa was still her partner, and Ronnie felt the pull of love calling upon her to ease llhaesa’s pain. After a solid twenty minutes of full out cry and full-blown counter measures by Ronnie, llhaesa brought her emotions under control, and could finally begin to wipe away tears.

Ronnie pulled away slightly to give llhaesa space to self-attend, still not knowing the source of this emotional eruption. “Llhaesa, do you wish to talk?” Ronnie offered in a soft and encouraging voice.

Llhaesa looked toward Ronnie, saw the intent, the worry, the concern, and replied, “Yes… yes, Ronnie, I would like that.” Llhaesa paused, her hand still holding a half soaked tissue upon her face, occasionally dabbing at residual tears. After several seconds passed, llhaesa began to share what triggered the tears, though her voice carried a subdued and resigned feel.

“As is my custom, I engaged in Aailhra prior to sleep. Once again, I felt Jahrae’s presence – closer now, and for the first time, I felt my mum’s presence – Saehressa – she is with Jahrae. My dad…” mentioning his name, llhaesa burst into tears once again, but Ronnie now had a solid sense of why, to be sure also a sense of foreboding, but a sense of what prompted llhaesa’s tears.

Llhaesa quickly brushed away this new round of tears, and rediscovered her voice. “My dad – Mrevan – is gone; I fear due to my loss, Ronnie.”

Ronnie waited a few seconds before speaking, her voice continuing to be soft, gentle, and loving. “I cannot think of a worse fate than to lose a child, llhaesa. Your dad faced an incalculable and unfathomable pain, heartbreaking, really. He obviously loved you to pieces.”

Llhaesa nodded, knowing this was true – she would have great difficulty if something happened to either of their children. Once again pausing as she searched her thoughts, older memories came forward, and she shared some of her family history.

“Ronnie, have I mentioned Cshrehyi to you?” llhaesa asked, not at all certain of what she had and had not shared to this point.

“No, I do not believe you have. Who is Cshrehyi?”

“My brother.”

“Oh. I did not know you had siblings. Do you have any other siblings?”

“No. Cshrehyi was my older brother. I never met him, for he died 4 years before I was born.”

“Llhaesa, I am so sorry. Your parents have endured so very much. What do you know of him?”

“Only that he loved to write, and excelled at it in fact. According to mum, Cshrehyi performed on a far higher level than his age equivalent of six. I have read some of his stories, and they are rather remarkable creations from the mind of a child of that age.

“Six, you say that as if that was…”

“He died at six, Ronnie. Mum and Cshrehyi were out in front of our home, flying kites. His kite failed on the first attempt to fly, but it soared on the second.” Llhaesa went on to describe what occurred, of how Cshrehyi was thrilled with his success and with the seeming magic of the sail caught in the invisible but moving air, of how he ran across their property, into the road, and into the path of an oncoming transport, the driver of which was busy talking on his mobile.

Ronnie looked horrified, now sharing some of llhaesa’s pain. “How awful, and your mum… was right there?”

“Yes. She saw it unfold; mum would tell you she screamed a warning as she ran toward him, but Cshrehyi failed to hear her. It happened right in front of my mum, not from here to the door to this cabin.”

“Your dad…”

“My dad took it very hard. My mum could channel the pain – she has always been strong, and a lifelong practitioner of Aailhra. My dad could not reach inside and pull the hurt out of him – it would just eat away at his insides. When I was born, he had a diversionary means of channelling, and he was a great dad – always there for me, encouraging me to be strong, to stand up for what is right. When I played, be it in elementary grades, high school, college, or when I toured, he was my biggest fan – I cannot recall ever hearing a negative comment from him through my life, and when I graduated from N’rellia, I think he was the happiest person on Arrhazon in that moment.”

“Given this history, your loss would likely be an emotional burden he carried no capability of managing. Oh, dear. That insidious leader of yours, the damage he did to your family is incalculable, and it reaches all the way here to ours. At least we live; your dad… was not so fortunate.”

Llhaesa looked at Ronnie, her eyes reaching deep into Ronnie eyes, with her trademark look that reflected a mind on a mission, searching for Ronnie’s soul. When llhaesa found the connection for which she searched, she conveyed a message with clear and deep intent. “Ronnie, yes Brellian did reach all the way here to this world, but it was not to ‘our’ family, as if I had family on Arrhazon and family here; there is but one family – you, me, the children, Jahrae, and Saehressa – we are family, one family.”

Ronnie felt moved to formulate her own tears, and so she did. The only recourse was to embrace the person who uttered the words, and the two held the embrace, sealing their familial deal, for minutes on end.

“Llhaesa, that was an incredibly gracious statement, and I am honoured that you see us as one family. Your vision is one I accept, with said honour!

Llhaesa,” Ronnie moved back to the subject of llhaesa’s dad, he is with you now, I suspect both he and Cshrehyi are. They likely are rooting for you, knowing all of this makes you stronger, a better person, musician, and… leader.”

“There is that word again, a word I have not had tossed in my direction in a long, long time!” llhaesa smirked whilst giving this answer. “Fifteen years ago, it was a rather annoying word for me. Dear friends, and Jahrae to a lesser extent, thought I should go after the Chief of Government position, and well… we had a few debates over the issue. At least on this world, no one can tease for me to be president, the Constitution forbids anyone other than natural born citizens from holding that office. Imagine an off worlder running, wow… that would make the Fox news shows go wild with frenzy!”

“From a distance, it seems that was a lot of pressure to place upon someone so young – you were in your early twenties then, right?” Ronnie asked, not at all sure of llhaesa’s actual date of birth.

“Yes, and I was exiled at 25. I am 39 now.”

“You still look 25,” Ronnie added sincerely.

“Perhaps that is the result of my two missing teeth, it produces such an age defying effect and look!” llhaesa self-deprecatingly answered.

“Both of your parents must have carried great pride in you, llhaesa. An accomplished musician, someone who has head of government mentioned in the same sentence with your name…

Which reminds me, I have been meaning to ask you how our worlds are different.”

Llhaesa thought for a while, searching for contrasts and comparisons. “Both worlds have their strengths and weaknesses, Ronnie. Geographically, both carry superb natural wonders, each with its own inherent beauty and harsh elements.

In terms of culture, there are distinct differences, but there are similarities as well. We are cousins after all. Perhaps the greatest contrast in culture comes with the tendency here to engage in war, to have a world that has many countries suspicious of the intent of one another, and who look to settle differences by fighting. I would add people get nasty here over religion, thinking their belief the one correct belief to the exclusion of all others. You would not see this attitude on Arrhazon.

Killing to achieve power – Brellian was so unusual, so out of Arrhazonan character. Perhaps we became too complacent, lost sight of what we need to cherish and work for in society. We need to be vigilant, and never lose sight of how precious freedom, equality, and diversity are. There are lessons for both worlds arising on both worlds.

I will work for change here, Ronnie. I cannot help what stirs within me. Women on this world, as with Arrhazon, do not have equal rights. I cannot set idly by and let that pass without comment, without effort, without working for change.

My mum was a powerful influence upon me; she stood for her rights, knowing I watched, knowing I learned. Addison and Serada, their lives are impacted by the societal framework we leave them. We need to leave them a better world, one that recognises their gender as equal.

My dad… my dad believed heart and soul in equal rights for women, and he too set a fine example for me. I cannot believe he is gone, Ronnie.

For now, I will try to refocus my thoughts on mum and Jahrae; it has been far too long since we were together.

I am going – I need – to change the subject, and get my mind off this lament, refocus forward upon positives.”

Ronnie marvelled at llhaesa’s ability to adapt, to right her own ship when distress called upon her. “I may have lost Tim,” Ronnie thought, “But Tim was a projection of the real person. The person with me – the real person – carries so much depth, and it would have been a shame for llhaesa to not reclaim the totality of her being.”

This observation passed, Ronnie asked llhaesa what positives she had in mind in the moment.

“Solving a great problem of my current life, Ronnie,” llhaesa joked. “Barbara has promised to have a dentist see to my missing teeth, though I am unsure how she will manage this. She mentioned the President’s dentist…

I have another vain indulgence to address, my hair. I have had bottom of shoulder blade length hair from childhood onward. It is time for a change, time for a more moderate length; though I am not inclined to a butch do – at least not yet!”

Llhaesa giggled at the thought of the earthly butch-femme stereotypical framework people expected in lesbian relationships, and shared her view with Ronnie. “In truth, Ronnie, the reality is far different – we form partnerships of infinite types, mix and match as suits each partner. So my indulgence is simply to take my hair to shoulder length, perhaps play up the curl a bit, maybe mess with colouring – har, wonder if Barbara can manage a stylist at sea…hmmm!”


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♣ raison d’être


Over the past seven months, writing the individual stories of llhaesa and Jahrae, as well as their common story, has taken a special place in my heart.

There are some elements, those with playful exchanges, or those where discussion is heavier, that grab hold of my emotions, sometimes even grab hold of my thoughts, weighing upon me during the day.

llhaesa’s story has been welling inside of me for some significant time in rough form. The story is a by-product of coping with gender dysphoria, of being a feminist and a lesbian, and dealing with all the issues related to being lgbt through my life, from closet to post-coming out; while finding – or perhaps stumbling - my way through.

Music is the catalyst, a translator of raw sensory information and feelings, that helps me take the cloud forming in my mind and shape it into story. Sometimes this is via the lyrics, other times through the melody, sometimes simply by way of the sound of an individual instrument.

Musical influences come from Delerium; Beth Orton; Dar Williams; Joan Armatrading; Sarah McLachlan; Tori Amos; Natalie Merchant; Heather Nova; Tracy Chapman; Linda Perry; Alanis Morissette; Bruce Springsteen; Brooke White; Roxy Music; and many others.

There is no order to the posting of story elements or in writing them; each is posted randomly in time, of character, of place - much like how we might share stories from our lives with another. There are times when I will string together elements, and that pattern is evident in the rescue of llhaesa and the subsequent reunion.

Most of the novel is told via a narrator; with one exception. Writing llhaesa’s last day from her perspective - what she experiences, what she sees unfold around her, how she views and reacts to these things – seemed more compelling and interesting. I added one final element to this that actually is not of her last day on Arrhazon, but in her coming out here.

There are six posts told from llhaesa’s real time experience. These story elements (in her words I-VI) are the most interesting and fun to write, as well as the most emotionally draining. As I write this, 29 posts remain in book one, and the last ten have proven the most demanding emotionally.

Some of the story involves an element of science fiction, necessary to bridge the connection between the two worlds, the disconnects, the reconnects. It is not my intent to fashion a tale of science fiction, and the parts that touch on it will remain an essential minimum. The true intent is to share a humanist and feminist story, one where two worlds struggle to find their way to gender equality. The main protagonists are lesbian, and we get to see where at least on one world, this is no issue. Our world can have issue with us, and in this story, one gets to watch as both worlds find their way to creating more accepting and equal societies. The next book will find llhaesa facing this issue square on.

The story consists of 300 individual elements, which when collectively read forms a story of book length. As written currently and displayed on the blog, this is a rough draft; changes will likely be made over time to already published elements.

This is Book One, as what follows post 300 will best be framed into its own book. The second will address issues that will be at once interesting and challenging to explore and contemplate - building upon the story told in Book One. Llhaesa, drawing upon idealism, optimism, and an incredible ability to motivate, will tackle issues in ways I believe most all of us in the lesbian community would wish to see unfold in actuality. If nothing else, the story allows us to get lost in fantasy for a while.

While the title is ‘world’s undone,' this is really the life story of and the results triggered by an incredibly talented musician and activist. Llhaesa refuses to sit idly by while gender discrimination harms the women of her world and freedom is lost on one world, paying a terrible price for her effort. When she resurfaces here, now it is our turn to face her challenges to a world resulting from her unrelenting vision and dreams.

Jahrae, while prominent throughout the story, is sort of the unsung hero, the person who grows through the story to become a formidable presence in her own right. This is by design, and her growth is a perfect match to llhaesa, who needs someone to challenge and inspire her to new learning, to new creativity.

As I wrote the story, note that I originally did not plan on having the children parented by Jahrae, Ronnie, and llhaesa. Initially my intent was for friction to build, to show that sometimes we run into difficulty seeing eye to eye with our spouses. In the end, I could not do this, for my idealism and optimism, of trying to craft something as it should be, got in the way.

nelle

♣ say that again?

Aalon:

A.ah.lawn



Aailhra:

A.yul.har.rah



Arrhazon:

Are.ha zawn



Brellian:

Brr.L.lee.an



Chsensera:

Cheh.sen.sear.rah



Cshrehyi:

Sess.ray.hee



Djellrin:

Dee.jell.er.in



E'sphara:

E.ss.far.ruh



Gl’nsiel Frehsan:

Jellen.sheel Fray.shawn



Hrilleae:

Ha.rill.ee.ay



I'Isahra M'lensa:

I.ih.sah.rah Mah.len.sah



Jahrae T'srha Khentavra:

Ja.ha.ray Teh.share.ahh Ka.hen.tahv.rah



Jesnsera Sserhara:

Ja.ess.en.sear.ah Say.sear.ahh



Elsrensia K’avahra:

L.sir.rent.sha Kah.hah.vair.ah



Khaehala:

Kay.ha.la



Khahishra:

Ka.ha.heesh.ruh



Kyielra:

Ka.E.I'll.ra



llhaesa ahrella t'yaeli:

lie yay sah are.ha.rell.la tay.lye



Lzrehae N’seseh:

Lah.zer.ra.hay N.sha.say



M'sela J'serhn:

Mah.sell.ahh Jay.sehr.hen



M'traliel Zralensa:

M.tra.lee.ell Zee.ra.len.sah



Mrevan:

Mm.ruh.van



Njesera:

En.djuh.say.rah



N'rellia:

N.rell.lee.ah



Olterian:

Oh.L.tear.E.an



Saehressa:

Sigh.ah.ress.ah



Serada:

Sir.rah.da



Sjre Jlrasre:

S.jer.ray Jas.sell.rass.er



Sk'vra Kjurha:

Skeh.var.rah Kah.jour.rah



Vreloran:

Vreh.lore.an



Zreltian:

Zzer.L.she.an



♣ people and places

  • 51 Pegasi
  • Aailhra
  • Aalon
  • Addison
  • AGA
  • Alicia Ellenwood
  • Anita
  • arlkhala
  • Arrhazon
  • Arrhazon College
  • Arrhka
  • Arrkarhara
  • Barbara Millwood
  • Bill Green
  • Boston
  • Brellian
  • Casey
  • Chsensera
  • city north
  • Cshrehyi
  • David
  • Djellrin
  • Dolores
  • Dottie Salston
  • Dr Elsrensia K’avahra
  • Dr. Ed Ellsworth
  • Dr. Wrehsx
  • E'sphara
  • Empo
  • Ensign Sserhara
  • Gl'nsiel
  • Henry Smithson
  • Hrilleae
  • I’Isahra M’lensa
  • J'saera
  • Jahrae
  • Jamila Karenga
  • J’luhre Forest Preserve
  • Jesnsera
  • Jredvarha City
  • Keene
  • Khaehala
  • Khahishra
  • Kukaeshra
  • Kyielra
  • Lajxa R’chr
  • llhaesa
  • Lzrehae
  • M'sela J'serhn
  • M'traliel
  • Marcia Paang
  • Mark Cahill
  • Mrevan
  • N'rellia
  • N'rellia Naturally
  • Nenseru Woods
  • Njesera
  • North 41
  • Old City
  • Olterian
  • reiki
  • Ronnie
  • Saehressa
  • Sara Beth
  • SEQ
  • Serada
  • Sjre Jlrasre
  • Sk'vra
  • southeast quadrant
  • Susan Woodward
  • Sylvia Washington
  • Tim
  • V'aesza
  • Vicki
  • Vreloran
  • Y'sre School of Music
  • Zreltian

♣ who’s who

Aalon:

Chief Curator of N’rellia Conservatory of Music



Aailhra:

Arrhazonan equivalent to Reiki



Addison:

Ronnie and llhaesa’s eldest daughter



Arrhazon:

llhaesa & Jahrae home world



Brellian:

Unstable Arrhazonan dictator



Chsensera:

Child friend of llhaesa and Jahrae



Cshrehyi T’yaeli:

llhaesa’s brother



Djellrin Khentavra:

Jahrae’s dad



E'sphara:

Owner of E’sphara Artist Colony



Gl’nsiel Frehsan:

Chief of Government after Brellian



Hrilleae Khentavra:

Jahrae’s mum



Admiral I'Isahra M'lensa:

Commander of Equality



Jahrae T'srha Khentavra:

llhaesa’s wife, and Ambassador



Jesnsera Sserhara:

hero of revolution who saves Jahrae



Ensign Jesnsera Sserhara:

daughter of Jahrae’s friend & wife of Chsensera



Elsrensia K’avahra:

Physician and revolutionary



Khaehala:

Chsensera’s mum



Khahishra:

llhaesa’s college roommate and M’traliel’s wife



Kyielra:

victim of murder, witnessed by young Jahrae



llhaesa ahrella t'yaeli:

musician and leader of two worlds



Lzrehae N’seseh:

Government employee and discoverer of important documents



M'sela J'serhn:

llhaesa’s college advisor



M'traliel Zralensa:

friend of llhaesa, and first lover



Mrevan:

llhaesa’s dad



Njesera:

Head of government records department



N'rellia:

Llhaesa’s college and most prestigious school on Arrhazon



Olterian:

Concert promoter



Saehressa:

llhaesa’s mum



Serada:

Ronnie and llhaesa’s youngest daughter



Sjre Jlrasre:

Café owner



Sk'vra Kjurha:

llhaesa nemesis and future hero of revolution



Vreloran:

government technician who helps llhaesa



Zreltian:

Former Arrhazonan Chief of Government



♣ historical tales

  • February 2009
  • January 2009
  • December 2008
  • November 2008
  • October 2008
  • September 2008
  • August 2008
  • July 2008
  • June 2008

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♣ CC License

Worlds Undone

by llhaesa t'yaeli



Is licensed under a

Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Based on a work at http://llhaesa.org/.

♣ CC Licence II

Worlds Undone

by llhaesa



Is licensed under a

Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Based on a work at llhaesa.wordpress.com.

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