There was no doubt that Ronnie loved Tim. They had made it through 15 years all told, 13 of them married.

Oh, Tim had his annoying quirks and opinions – like hating feminism and feminists. When Tim felt the need to comment on feminism, Ronnie would feel an urge to pour a very chilled drink over his head. Tim was not a Rush Limbaugh conservative – far from it – but he bought into the notion of feminazis – the fantasy realm where women advocating for equal rights are men hating lesbians, who without exception once burned bras and never ever removed a hair from their legs.

And this was most ironic, Ronnie mused. Here was this newly identified transgendered person, claiming to be born with a birth defect related to physical sex, trying to rejoin the gender this person often short changed and stereotyped. In a way, Ronnie loved the karma potential that came with this revelation.

That was as far as she was willing to go in terms of finding amusement in this. Tim was hurting, Tim was all screwed up, and as a result, Ronnie and the girls were getting sucked into the emotional vortex.

Ronnie was looking for hope where none might exist. Was she looking for compromise? How do people ‘compromise’ on gender? ‘OK, you feel like you are a woman, but I married a man, so… you be a man on Saturday, Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and you can be a woman the other 3 days of the week!’ Ronnie’s sarcasm laced humour had surfaced once again.

Would the end result be the dissolution of their marriage? Is that what this would come to? Or might Tim be brought to a place via therapy where he might be able to continue onward as Tim, though he might have lapses or need a great deal of support to stay afloat?

The thoughts continually played through Ronnie’s mind. The therapy and support approach would be nice. She would be more than willing to hold Tim upright every step of the way, so long s he fought falling prey to what was ripping him apart.

On the other hand, if Tim persisted in moving to transition, Ronnie knew their marriage would end… Ronnie was not a lesbian, and while she could somewhat understand the need for Tim to be what something deep inside was saying he was, so too did Ronnie have to be true to herself. And not to mention she would be a single custodial parent, with all the responsibility of such in a family with children.

And that was where Ronnie needed someone she could trust to give her options and the potential of each option. Dr. Ellsworth would have to be that person, no one else she knew was capable of such objective evaluation.

“Objective evaluation…” the very notion of something so emotionally charged carrying objectivity struck Ronnie in a very unkind way. Steering with her left hand, she wiggled her right hand into her bag, searching for the small pack of tissues she always carried. After about 20 seconds of searching, she pulled out the pack, pulled off a tissue, and began to wipe away the tears.

Tim had broken through with a confession on being transgendered. Ronnie could deal with this if Tim worked to overcome, but on the heels of Tim’s confession had come the dreams. Ronnie could not help but feel the two issues were somehow related to some great fracture within Tim, one that cracked open via the soul searching that brought him to confess.

The issue had moved beyond Tim’s struggle, it was now very much hers as well as that of Addison and Serada, though both were only aware of Tim’s dream issues. Ronnie felt increasingly stressed and helpless, her life caught up in an issue not of her own making. She needed help, and had now decided to go get that help.

And so Ronnie sought out her own counsellor, finding one an hour south, right in Boston proper.

Dr. Ellsworth came highly recommended by those she checked with, and so she called and scheduled an appointment, to be held five weeks forward. From this point on, Ronnie kept notes on things that crossed her mind, on what she observed that upset, confused, or otherwise needed to be addressed.

She did not tell Tim of her appointment, and felt guilty about not having revealed this information, given Tim had readily shared his issue and that he seeing a counsellor. Ronnie felt that revealing this in the moment would just create one more stress point neither of them needed at this time. Better to get some initial comfort level with seeing Dr. Ellsworth, and then she could re-evaluate what the next course of action would be.

On the day of their first appointment, Ronnie left early – southbound traffic into the city on I93 was notorious for its congestion, and she did not wish to be late for the 10 am appointment. Sure enough Ronnie ran headlong into the obligatory stop and go traffic around Andover, and she thanked the heavens above for having the foresight to leave early.

Ronnie arrived at the Sullivan Square T station at 9:15 am, more than enough time to hop on the Orange line and scoot to her destination. She stopped at the fee booth to pay the parking fee, found an open space towards the back of the lot, and climbed out of her Toyota SUV. Once inside, she purchased the morning edition of the Boston Globe, which on this day featured a story on the underground popularity of the SETI search – millions had tasked their computers to run the search for alien life in the background of the computer’s normal usage – purchased fare tokens, and headed for the waiting platform. Within minutes, a train pulled up, and she moved with the line into the subway car.

As she found an empty seat on one of the subway cars and the train got underway, Ronnie watched as day once again gave way to dark – this time as the train plunged from ground level down into the subterranean tunnels that webbed unseen under the historic city. As lights inside the tunnel flickered with strobe-like regularity, Ronnie picked up The Globe and started reading about SETI. She had never heard of this programme, and was astounded that so many had volunteered to task some of the computer memory to their goal.

“Interesting” Ronnie temporarily paused in the thought, and then continued onward. “I wonder if Tim is aware of this programme.”

The first hour long session with the doctor dealt mainly with trying to clue him in on what the issues were that were so upsetting Ronnie and pulling apart her family.

Dr. Ellsworth listened intently as Ronnie spent the better part of a half hour outlining the basic scenario and current conditions. Dr. Ellsworth would occasionally throw in a quick question for clarification, and then would let Ronnie continue onward. As she finished her outline, he collected his thoughts, and shared his thoughts for how they would proceed.

Sensing this would not be a one and done patient, Dr. Ellsworth asked Ronnie to please use is given name – Ed – going forward. He – Ed – then made it clear his background and expertise was not with gender issues. Normally he referred such cases to other therapists who specialised in this issue.

In this case, the gender issue was not his direct concern, only how it impacted Ronnie and the children were his issue to work on. Over the coming weeks, Ed advised Ronnie he would delve into their history together, the 2 years prior to marriage, the 13 years of their marriage. And so Ronnie was charged to think on this history, make notes on anything she felt important to share.

Ronnie left Dr. Ellsworth’s office, a new appointment in hand for 2 weeks hence. She would not share this with Tim, not yet.